On 29th August 2020, I attended a webinar on happiness in the name and style of "happyness conversations" organized by a Chennai couple Avis Viswanathan and Vaani Anand who call themselves the "Happynesswalas". At the outset the hosts explained the background to their organizing the monthly events which were happening physically at the Odyssey book store Chennai. Presently it is organized online due to the Covid pandemic.
The hosts said that the basic aim of this exercise was to have conversations with people who have faced difficulties or heavy odds in their lives but have managed to triumph over their problems and are contributing successfully to the society. The Happyness Walas themselves had encountered problems of financial instability and bankruptcy but came out of the ordeal as better people who wished to do something to raise the happiness levels in society. The happiness conversations is an initiative aimed towards this end.
I was attending the "happyness conversation" for the first time and had primarily registered for the event as the person featured to share her experiences for the day was none other than a poet friend Vidya Shankar. We are members of a What's app group of Indian poets called The India Poetry Circle (IPC). I am also a member of a literary group on face book namely Kavya-AdiSakrit of which Vidya is an administrator. I knew Vidya as a poet who is a published author of two books (1) The Flautist of Brindaranyam and (2) Rise of Yogamaya. I was curious to know more about Vidya, the human being and what life lessons she was going to share in a "Happiness conversation".
As the conversation progressed we got to know how and why a happy go lucky young woman's life turned topsy turvy one year into the marriage. One may be surprised or even shocked to learn that it was on account of the pressure exerted on her to become a mother - not by her husband but by all and sundry around her. People asked all sorts of questions about her pregnancy on all possible occasions be it a family function or get together during a festival. Pushed by the constant badgering Vidya and her husband Shankar started consulting one Gynec after another . Initially she thought just popping a few pills would do the job. But as it turned out, she had to go through hormone injections which were very expensive. Other treatments like insemination followed. Every month, she had to undergo special scans that violated her personal space. The artificial insemination took an emotional toll.
If all these concerns weren't enough, you get unsolicited advice from even casual acquaintances who would like to give you advice such as "Go without salt for a while" or "Go around a banyan tree" or that "Palli dosham" was the cause for which remedies need to be performed etc. Vidya was encouraged to attend "Valaikappu" functions (This is a ritual performed widely throughout Tamil Nadu in preparation for a woman's first delivery and its primary objective is to satisfy the pregnant woman's desires, bless her, and ensure a safe delivery and a healthy baby) of pregnant women in the vicinity. All rituals done were performed for Vidya as well. A stranger could come up and ask " Are you not ashamed that you are not able to bear a child?" This ordeal and associated trauma had to be experienced every month for 10 years till the year 2000.
During the conversation Vidya was asked as to why she allowed others to manipulate and control her in this manner? She said "I could not have put my foot down as we women , right from childhood are mentally conditioned to accept the rule of the society. You are reminded in subtle ways that you are only a girl". This is a very important aspect that needs to be addressed by Indian society. It is high time that we stopped discriminating between boys and girls. The girl child should be empowered right from childhood to express herself confidently.
To a question on handling the trauma and exploring alternatives, Vidya said that after their seventh wedding anniversary, they did discuss the option of adoption. However, at that point of time there was not much awareness and it was generally believed that the adoption process is very tedious and long winding. It was years later that they came across a couple from a respectable family who had adopted . The next question was "So when did you accept the reality of not being able to conceive and put an end to the 'tamasha' of regular visits to gynecologists?" The answer given by Vidya was very touching and insightful. She said " We had reached a stage when we no longer wanted the baby for ourselves. It had become a job that needed to be done 'for their sake'. We had stopped attending family functions."
" One day while returning from a consultation with doctor, I had this feeling of "enough is enough". I told Shankar and he also agreed." Soon after, the couple got an opportunity to live and work in Colombo and there was some respite from these issues during the time they were away. However, when they returned to Chennai in 2006 the second phase of the pressure started. The people around her convinced Vidya to give it another shot. She went for treatment to a specialist for around 6 to 8 months to find that the expensive treatment had left them with zero bank balance. Subsequently they went to Dubai and it was here that a formal final decision was taken to not pursue the goal of becoming a mother. Vidya admitted that it was a difficult decision to take.
At this point a question was asked as to the role played by poetry during the process of coming to terms with the situation. Vidya said that she had always been in love with poetry since childhood- to the extent that she could not help writing poetry lines in the answer sheets during examinations. It was later with marriage and other responsibilities that she had been writing less and less. However poetry came back into her life in a big way when she needed it most.
Vidya said that on that day in Dubai when the decision was taken or rather the acceptance happened that she may never become a mother, her first few lines of poetry burst forth after many years of not writing anything. She titled the poem "Wait for sunshine" and it was published in an international journal. Vidya said that she subsequently realized she did not have to "Wait for sunshine", She was the sunshine! Since then she had no problem of writing and poetry flowed freely from her pen and the first book "The Flautist of Brindaranyam" was ready for publication.
Another interesting question that was put to her was " Did you find poetry or did poetry find you?" Surprising all of us, Vidya answered "I am poetry!" It was poetry that made her what she was and moving away from poetry had meant moving away from herself.
The next question was " Soon after you first book was published, you underwent a hysterectomy surgery. After the surgery, you went into a prolonged depression. How did you come out of it?" Vidya said that although a decision was taken to move on with her life, the actual physical removal of the uterus was something that caused a lot of emotional turmoil. This was not understood by most people who had no time either to listen or understand what she was going through. People whom she thought were very close had no clue. They would say things like "What is your problem? Now that your mother in law is also no more, you can have a jolly life. Go on a second honey moon." In fact she had blocked out a "so called friend" totally from her life, including from social media accounts.
Vidya said that within a week of the surgery, she began to cry every now and then for no particular reason. To take her mind off from things, she was persuaded by a friend to participate in a book launch function. During the launch, a lady spoke about depression and how one needs to be vigilant about it. Listening to the talk convinced Vidya that something was amiss and she decided to meet a couple of psychologists. But here also, she met with disappointment as these professionals had a typical traditional response to her problems. As for example, they noted that she was dressed very well and concluded that a person under depression wouldn't be motivated enough to dress well.
However, at this point she was determined to address the issue and come out of it for the sake of her husband who had been with her shoulder to shoulder whole through her trials and tribulations. Vidya met with her yoga master who was very supportive. He welcomed her to resume yoga and was willing to give her the space and freedom to go about it at her pace. The yoga teacher allowed her to simply cry during the first four classes. Practicing yoga with renewed interest helped her in slowly limping back to normalcy. She was able to write and release her second book "Rise of Yogamaya".
The next question posed was regarding the role of Shankar in her journey to recovery. Vidya replied that Shankar was always there for her. He cooked the meals, ensured that she was properly fed and took care of her like a mother, her baby. He would accompany her wherever she went. Vidya related an incident after the recovery when they went out for dinner. When the time came to pay the bill, she insisted that she would pay it. After paying the bill, Vidya quipped "Happy Mother's Day Shankar!". It was Mother's day and it was her way of acknowledging all the love and support that Shankar had given her throughout the trying period and whole of her married life.
Vidya was asked whether she felt vulnerable sharing her story and whether it is painful and embarrassing to do so in public before an audience. She replied that reliving all the negative incidents in one's life can be painful. But, she believed that there is a purpose and reason why she had to go through all those hardships. It has now become her mission to educate young women and let them know that their body is their own and it is for them to decide what they want to do with it- to decide whether they want to become a mother or not.
" There should be no more Vidyas!" doomed to suffer unnecessarily. People should be educated to the fact that the only purpose of marriage is not child rearing A child should come into this world not because there is pressure from anyone but because he/she is lovingly desired by the parents as an epitome of the love that the couple feel for each other. "The universe has chosen me to do this" she said. The last question posed to the lady of the day was " What is your idea of happiness?' Vidya replied that it was about living in the now, in gratitude, forgiving and stress free. Surely, this was a great way to end a conversation.
As for me I was moved by the proceedings of the evening. My regards and respect for this wonderful couple of Vidya and Shankar went up by so many notches! There was so much of pain and drama in the story on the one hand. On the other hand, it was a tale of so much positivity- the will to overcome one's hardships and willingness to pass on the learning and insights so that others do not suffer in a similar manner. This was one conversation that lingered in the mind for long. This blog is my bit contribution to the mission of Vidya. Her amazing and inspiring story needs to be spread in all possible ways!
NB: During the conversation, the hosts at frequent intervals drew attention to insights from the discussion such as " Acceptance is the key" for moving forward. Readers can access the whole 'happyness conversation' here: https://youtu.be/VKXEeEJYWNU
