Random Thoughts on Random Words - Day 5 Ego Talk

So we have come to 'E",  the fifth alphabet of the English language  and the fifth day of the A2Z challenge.Today we will engage in a chat on "Ego", a star word that immediately attracts  everyone's attention. You may love  being  egotistic, you may hate the ego and what it stands for,  but you simply can't ignore it. After all, haven't we heard lines to the effect that we  cannot  pretend to the nonexistence of ego. Now, where did I read this seemingly popular line? -  "Show me a man without ego and I will show you a woman without vanity." Oh never mind, suffice it  to for us to  understand that ego simply exists and cannot be wished away; similar to, what is said about HABIT. Even if you get rid of the "H "a bit" will remain and if you manage to do away with the "A" as well, bit will remain. If you go one step further and destroy the "B" also, it will still remain!  

This brings us to the question " Is ego a bad thing? Is it supposed to be 100% a negative thing ? Should a  strict No, no policy be followed in respect of it? Well,  many of the quotes we hear about on the ego seems to suggest so. In the Eastern culture particularly, people tend to have a bias against anyone  even remotely showing signs of ego. But then this could  also be because of our incorrect  understanding of what exactly  ego is. Ego has such a bad name that often we find it being treated as an acronym with its expansion being  read as "Edging God out". 

 We associate ego  with being entitled, arrogant , proud or selfish without an iota of humility. That is the reason ego is seen as an enemy that needs to got rid of at the earliest. Yet the fact remains that if we look at ego as equivalent to self confidence and self esteem, it would be seen as a basic necessity for effective living. It is our ego that propels our self confidence, our drive for success and our optimism. A healthy ego undermines self doubts and boosts one's self esteem and self confidence. A person with a healthy ego may likely say " I don't respect those who don't respect me. You call it ego. I call it respect."  

When I was working in a small sized company for a brief period in the early nineties, a junior manager used to come and complain to me (the HR manager) that his boss frequently used bullying tactics raising his voice in the open hall and even hurling files at him. I could see that the junior manager was very timid ( for our understanding, bereft of ego) and the boss was  taking advantage of this weakness to belittle and harass him. I told him  that if he wanted a long lasting solution to the problem he would have to, without becoming emotional,  talk to the boss  politely and firmly " sorry sir, but this is not acceptable. If there is a mistake from my side, I assure you that it will not happen again but shouting loudly like this is not the  done thing" 

I told him jokingly that it appeared from the vibes that he was sending out that an invisible sign was pasted on his back that read  in bold words "Kick me"!  When  this happens on a regular basis,  not only this boss but even a less aggressive person may be tempted to give him a kick. What we are trying to emphasize here is that a healthy ego is not a disadvantage; on the contrary it is an essential requirement to safeguard one's interests.  An ego is in a healthy state when you are the master and the ego  is in your control. Your ego becomes a problem when you have begun to  lose control and  a  desire takes over to be perceived as the best boss of the company, the most loved mom, the best negotiator, the most creative writer, the best  administrator of a literary group and so on. This will lead to comparisons. You don't want anyone else to be seen as better . You become self absorbed and make everything to be about "me,me, me! "

When this happens thoughts like "Not even a leaf shall move in my 'kingdom' without my knowledge or wish" begin to take hold. Any criticism is taken personally and the person feels that his/her  very identity is at risk. People are willing to lie, kill, cheat, hide, or steal to protect their ego boundaries and preserving that perfect image becomes a matter of  life and  death. Research has revealed that many negative human traits like criticizing and judging others, acting manipulative, being inflexible and rigid, having severe mood swings, having a constant need for praise and approval, having the need to feel superior to everyone around can be traced to ego in its unhealthy form. 

Our discussion thus far does veer towards a conclusion that problem is not with the ego itself but our illusion about the self. If we can be on our guard and not permit ego to become the master, it would be in its  healthy state which enables us  to ensure that we are not being taken for granted on the one hand while being able to accept victory and defeat in a gracious manner on the other. It is all about the balance.

 However, I would like to conclude this post  leaving with you ideas/ learning shared by Ms Anita Moorjani  author of "Dying to be Me", (who had an NDE) about  whom we discussed in the last post. She says that our problem is not so much about our being selfish and self obsessed, only a small percentage of narcissists in the population fall into that category. It is because of the fact that many narcissists manage to assume leadership position whether in politics, industry and other places of power that  there is a general feeling that most people are selfish. self obsessed and under the influence of the negative aspects of ego that we discussed. 

A majority of the population have a healthy ego with a good balance between self love and concern for others. In fact around 15-20% or Earth's population (According to Dr Elaine Aron from the Foundation for the study of highly sensitive persons) are empaths. Empaths are highly sensitive individuals who have a keen ability to sense what people around them are thinking and feeling. Their empathy levels can be so high to the point of taking on the pain of others at their own expense. As it is, empaths are  people pleasers who tend to put themselves last when it comes to others.

Therefore, advising empaths or influencing their psyche with statements  such as "Do not be selfish/ proud/ materialistic" etc  can damage their already injured ego to marginalized levels. According to Anita " Self love" or loving yourself is the first and important step to an effective living. ( not applicable to the narcissists of course!).  The love should  fill you totally  and overflow to others!It is not about extending love to others  by denying it to yourself. Her latest book "Sensitive is the new Strong"  which has just been released ( yet to be read by me)  discusses how empaths can nourish themselves and serve the world better. Anita believes that in order to make the world a better place more and more empaths should move to leadership and influential positions.  

Now, wouldn't that be great?  

NB: This is powered by Blog Chatter's # A2Z Challenge   Blogchatter A2Z Challenge 2021