Random Thoughts on Random Words - Day 23 Wedding

A wedding is a ceremony where two people are united in marriage. Wedding is a collective name used for all the ceremonies and rituals that take place to provide social acceptance to the relationship between two people, whereas marriage is the name for the life long institution, which begins soon after the wedding. The ceremonies may vary between religions and geographical areas but essentially a wedding has ceremonies associated with it. It could be exchange of wows as in a Christian wedding, transfer of 'mehr' ( an obligation imposed upon the husband as a mark of respect for the wife)  to the bride in a Muslim wedding or exchange of garlands, taking of  7 steps together as a couple in a Hindu wedding. 

The scale and number of days of celebration could vary depending on the local/diverse customs and financial strength of the parties concerned. While the marriage is held a contract in some faiths, it was held as a sacrament in a  Hindu marriage. According to sociologist R.N.Sharma Hindu marriage is " a religious sacrament in which a man and a woman are bound in permanent relationship for the physical, social and spiritual purposes of dharma, procreation and sexual pleasure". However, with the codification of Hindu laws and provisions made for divorce, remarriage of widows etc, it can neither be called a contract nor a 'sacrament' but a combination of both. 

To bring home the point that wedding practices can vary considerably in a diverse country like that of ours, I would like to relate an experience. After passing out of the Madras School of Social Work with Personnel management specialization in the year 1980, I enrolled for the LLB course in Pondicherry. One day, I received  at our Law college hostel,  a redirected wedding card addressed to me . When I opened it, I was skeptical as to whether this was  genuine invitation since the text  in the card read as follows:  "Marriages are made in heaven. But we, Ramamurthy and I have decided to make it on earth. Do come to our wedding at 6 AM on 5th May 1980 at the  Venkateshwara hall, Pondicherry- Radha and Ramamurthy"  

I read and reread the card; the name of the  bride indicated in  the card, Radha (name changed) was our immediate senior in college. She was gregarious, tomboyish by nature and not at all like the typical girls of that time. Was she trying to play a prank on me? After all, the language in the card was unconventional.  Further, who would have the wedding Muhurtam so early in the morning at 6 AM? ( Here, I was making a  blind assumption based on  my knowledge of the typical Kerala Hindu weddings which  are held  between 11 AM and  1.30 PM. OK, may be some  at 9 or 9.30 AM but certainly not at  6 AM). 

 Although I was aware of north Indian weddings being held in the night, I did not know, in spite of spending  five years as a student in Tamilnadu that often muhurtams  are fixed early in the morning in the state. It was about a week later when I saw someone (with a gentleman) from afar, who looked like Radha that I realized that the wedding card  must  have been  genuine. I moved fast towards the couple to speak to them but they  got into a cycle rickshaw and departed. I kicked myself for missing out an opportunity to attend a wedding that would have been so easy for me since I was already in Pondicherry. 

A lot of things have changed over the years when it comes to weddings. These days they are organized in a much more grand manner. I remember in those days the wedding meal in Kerala called the "Sadya" was always vegetarian and the items of the meal served on plantain leaf was more or less the same. If a person wanted to show his financial clout, he could at the most increase the number of Payasam (Kheer) to three/ four instead of one which was the mandatory part of the 'sadya'.  Today, particularly in the urban weddings more items are finding a place. The rich, like the film stars are opting for international locations such as Italy for their wedding. 

The preference for arranged marriages have declined; in fact the youngsters in the urban areas are reluctant to get married. They would like to postpone the wedding to as later a date as possible since there is a feeling  that they would lose their freedom and space on getting married. The love, respect, care and sanctity originally associated with wedding/ marriage is slowly and steadily eroding. On the one hand, financially the couple are lot more comfortable today compared to earlier times;  on the other hand the spirit envisaged in the union of two souls is missing most of the time. I wrote a poem titled "Crumbling Institution"  describing this phenomenon. 

    https://rajeevianlinesandverses.blogspot.com/2015/03/crumbling-institution.html   

Weddings are a lot of fun; you get to meet many of your  relatives and friends at one time under the same roof. There is music and dance (north Indian weddings), fun and frolic in the air! The atmosphere of happiness and gaiety of Indian weddings have been captured in many feature films. Wedding is also  a very special occasion for the young couple. They are happy and excited; yet have their own private fears as to whether the big  decision, having long time implications is the right one - whether the journey forward would be smooth or would it be tumultuous?

 In such a scenario , one would think that everyone would want to make their big day hassle free and comfortable. Sadly, you see undesirable behaviour from even close relatives, adding to the woes of the young couple by exhibiting king sized egos . Often times, trivial matters pertaining to hospitality or protocol are blown out of proportion ( "I was not invited to eat in the first batch"  "We were promised that the bride would wear golden waste band . where is it?" "The accommodation provided to us was not up to the mark.")  and egos tend to get precedence  over the happiness and well being of the young couple. I discussed this matter in my poem " Wedding". You can read it at the link below:   

https://rajeevianlinesandverses.blogspot.com/2017/02/wedding.html 

A successful marriage is not about living together for years; it is really about  living  happily with each other. Priorities tend to change over the years, particularly with the arrival of children; yet what the partners look for in a marriage are a continuous connect, commitment, , respect, trust and intimacy. In Hyundai Motor India where I worked last before my retirement, the company organizes a program every  quarter for the newly married employees. They attend the gala event along with their spouses. It is a whole day program with elements of fun and frolic. However, in the morning soon after the customary greetings from the top management,  the couple listen to a talk by an eminent personality who gives them an idea as to what to expect  in the journey forward and shares some useful tips as well. 

During a program organized on 18th February 2010, noted speaker Sugi Sivam, based out of Chennai gave some solid guidelines to the newly married couples that included (1) not allowing a third person to enter your marital space be it a mother, friend or sibling (2)  not attempting to change the basic nature of your spouse - For example he/she is  religious (3) retaining in the long run, the chemistry of the initial days (4) toning down expectations (5) never comparing your spouse with anyone else (6) overlooking  faults and limitations of partner (7) giving undivided attention to spouse when in group with others and (8) avoiding "being self centered". When you look back at life it is only those "moments of love" that will ever matter, he concluded. It was a pleasure for me to note down all that he said to be able to share it with young people embarking on their journey together after the wedding. 

I would like to conclude this post on a lighter note drawing attention to an interesting aspect of Indian weddings. You travel long distances to be able to attend the wedding; manage to obtain front seats only to find that you are unable to watch the main wedding  ritual of "tying the thali/ knot". The only thing visible  are the posteriors of photographers who completely block the view of the 'mantapam'. If this  situation continues,  there is no point in going physically to the venue. One can save a lot of time and money by blessing the couple on Zoom, a platform, we are getting more and more used to courtesy, the Covid19 pandemic. Here is the link to my poem " Random thoughts on an Indian Wedding " which discusses this subject. 

As of now, in spite of changes, modifications, and threats from various quarters, the institution of marriage has survived and is still seen as "haven in a hapless world" Will it continue to be relevant in future, providing the love and security expected from the institution?  A lot will depend on the attitude of the spouses themselves- whether or not  they will perceive  it  as sufficiently worthwhile. If yes, it would be protected with spouses exhibiting flexibility, and an attitude of give and take/ accommodation. If not, well time alone can tell...  

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